Rory B. Bellowing

sort of.

I’m fully willing to admit that Radiohead is probably the best band making music right now. In the world. At least until TV on the Radio reunites. (Yeah I said it.) 

But honestly I’ve never been a huge fan. I can recognize that they make incredible music, but rarely do I feel like listening to Radiohead. When I do, I’m glad I turned on 15 Step or Reckoner, or Idioteque, but I never think, “You know what I’m jonesing for? A little OK Computer.” I can’t explain it. To me Radiohead is like a strawberry. On any given day, if you were to ask me if I wanted to eat a strawberry, 97 times out of a hundred I would say no. The other three times I would eat it and think, “Fuck, I should really eat strawberries more often.”

That being said, I fucking love Radiohead. Because the way they’re selling their music is brilliant. First thing I love, no record label. Major record labels have been bending consumers and artists over a table for decades, anything that prevents them from making more money is good thing. 

Second thing, they understand what the record companies don’t. If you want consumers to buy the music and not download illegally, give them something they can’t download. Such as, I don’t know, this, as opposed to suing downloaders. Radiohead is proactive, the record companies are reactive. If you read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens like I did, you know which one works better.

In summation, boooo record labels. Hooray Radiohead!

Dito Montiel is this guy. He’s had a pretty interesting life. He was in a band that signed a giant contract then got dropped after the debut tanked. He wrote a couple books. Apparently he was a model for a while for a while there. 

His band kinda sucked

But that’s not really important. 

He wrote a book about growing up in Queens in the 80’s and how he left New York and why. I didn’t read the book, but I saw the movie  because this is America.

It’s a really interesting story that Montiel nearly ruins as the director.  Why are the characters talking to the camera for just one little bit? What’s with the distracting, repetitive editing combined with voice overs of conversions that are just about to take place? 21 year old Louis Stevens turns into 40 year old Iron Man? and Rosario Dawson is the same age? 

Montiel takes a fascinating story and then spends 98 minutes leaving dirty fingerprints all over it. He might as well have just added a commentary track where he screams “I’M A MOVIE DIRECTOR NOW!” over and over again. 

This movie is 3 or 4 years old, why am I bring it up now? The trailer for his new movie is out, and it features Channing Tatum and a serious Tracy Morgan.

Did I mention that Montiel’s last move was also a C-Tatez vehicle?

I don’t know anything about Monty’s personal life, but whether he’s gay, straight, bi, or all three, he is most certainly gay for Channing Tatum. Maybe only in the way that Frank was gay for Jamie on 30 Rock, or Louis CK for Ewan McGregor, but Monty wants C-Tate’s wiener in his mouth hole.

Let’s get back on track: Dito, stop making movies. Everybody has at least one great story to tell, and you told yours. It was a doozie, and you nearly made it unwatchable, but you told your one story. Now please stop putting that mumbly wigger in movies, and don’t make Tracy Morgan say things that aren’t supposed to be funny. It’s a downer.

You already accomplished a whole lot more than most of us ever will, please stop making shitty movies now.

Thanks,

Everyone.